The Development of Empathy... An Essential Life Skill!

       

                                                                   

Emotion has an enormous impact on imprinting memory in our brains. I had an experience when I was 6 years old that included emotion and have the memory of it all of these many years later.

It was a 6 year old birthday sleep over party. There were 7 girls invited that lived near each other and played together most days. A girl new to the neighborhood was invited only due to the requirement of the birthday girl’s mother. I was also invited.I lived a block away but did play with these girls fairly often. Being an extremely shy girl I really liked being accepted by this group and was excited to be included in the party.
The party progressed and it was now time to begin preparing for sleep. The new girl found a spot and laid out her sleeping bag on the family room floor. As she did this, one girl ran into the other room exclaiming how she was not going to put her sleeping bag anywhere new this new girl. The other girls followed running into the other room expressing the same plan. Even though I was silent, I also followed the group into the other room. As I stated it was very important to me to feel a part of this group.

Once in the other room, I turned around and saw the girl sitting all alone on her sleeping bag looking very dejected. At that moment an intense feeling of empathy overcame me. With this strong feeling, I picked up my sleeping bag, went into the other room and laid it out right next to the girl who was being excluded. To my surprise, the other girls followed and the party resumed.

The ability I had to see things from her perspective and the resulting empathy I had for this girl in this situation strongly overcame my need to be accepted by the group.
Brain research demonstrates that even very young babies have a capacity for empathy. This is an extremely essential life skill and is at the heart of social skills and success in life. It is a skill like any other, it needs to be developed.

As Dr. Bruce Perry, an expert on the development of and need for empathy, states:

 "One of the most important aspects of being a human being, is being able to be in a relationship. Being able to successfully form and maintain a relationship. And at the heart of that capability is the capacity to put yourself in somebody else's shoes, to see the world how they see it. That capacity is empathy."

As my career unfolded, I became extremely interested in early brain development research and now have the goal of making it commonly understood…. and that goal is only to have it understood by EVERY adult in this world! The impact of early relationships is an area of major focus in this work.

The brain is experience dependent, meaning development doesn’t just magically happen. A brain develops based on the combination of the genes a child is born with and the experiences that a child has after birth. The pre-school years are like the fourth trimester in rapidly connecting the 100 billion brain cells we are born with. Experiences create a direct and physical impact on the way a brain is wired. And the repetition of experiences strengthens these essential neural connections.

The brain is designed to adapt to whatever type of experiences are repeated most frequently…. whether positive or negative. Even though it takes many years for the brain to fully mature, these early months are the time for the most rapid amount of growth and development of the brain… with 85% of growth by age three.

We are biologically designed for relationships. We are born with a primary need to get someone to care for us. We are completely dependent on at least one relationship with another person. Through the ideal situation of having someone lovingly and consistently respond to meet our needs in a nurturing way brain pathways for empathy are being created.

If an infant is responded to repeatedly and predictably in a caring way, this is going to create the feelings of safety and pleasure that her brain craves. This will begin the wiring in her brain for relationships with others in her life. So when infants consistently experience the give and take of a responsive relationship the basis for developing the skill of empathy occurs. Interestingly research conducted indicates that the brain areas for both empathy and violence are partially similar. These findings lead the researchers to state:

"We all know that encouraging empathy has an inhibiting effect on violence, but this may not only be a social question but also a biological one -- stimulation of these neuronal circuits in one direction reduces their activity in the other."

As a result a more empathetic brain will have more difficulty behaving in a violent way. While attending the sleep over party, my brain pathways likely fired in a way that found it too difficult to be mean to the new girl.

Various versions of interesting studies reveal that babies as young as 5 months old can demonstrate empathy skills. However, due to a variety of situations and circumstances some children do not experience the ideal serve and return relationships early in life. A child that does not experience the give and take of a relationship is simply not going to develop the brain connections for seeing things from another person’s point of view.

However the wonderful news is, the brain is always learning, re-organizing and making new connections throughout life. This is called, plasticity. This provides us with the extraordinary opportunity to make changes later. Of course it is best to develop a brain as optimally as possible in the first place, but it is significant to realize changes can be made through learning and repetition at other times in life. One remarkable program that is making an incredible difference in this way is a program called, Roots of Empathy.

This project is based simply on a mother visiting a classroom with her baby on a monthly basis. The children are taught perspective taking through their interactions with the baby. The results have been dramatic. Humans are contagious beings. So, part of the effectiveness of this program is likely due to our contagious make up and these kids are “catching empathy experiences”. This contagious aspect seemed to be the case in the slumber party experience where the other girls joined me after I showed caring to the new girl. The repeated experiences of feeling empathy for a baby in the Roots of Empathy program are actually changing the brains of the children and this essential life skill is being learned.

Indicators are revealing that empathetic behaviors are in decline in many societies. There are numerous factors contributing to this occurring. So, since we are neuro-biologically meant to be connected to others, this needs to be realized and an emphasis of time spent on the development of relationships is critical.

In summary, valuing the time parents have to spend with their infants and young children and supporting parents in establishing a nurturing relationship is essential. Additionally, for daycares and schools to have an effective way to help children for success in life, is to have low teacher child ratios to increase the opportunity to foster relationships with every child. And then use the understanding that the brain is experience dependent. Children in schools can be engaged collectively in a caring climate and create activities that benefit other human beings.

Children have the capacity to learn to read, write and do arithmetic … children also have the capacity to empathize. If we truly want to help children thrive in life ….and want to have an incredibly positive impact on our world, it is VITAL that we place the emphasis on the development of relationships with other human beings … This is where it all begins! After all it IS the primary need of the brain!

This was a presentation I gave at Parenting 2.0 Talks 2014 Dublin, Ireland. September 2014

To book a presentation toward making a difference for your school, organization, agency or company send an email to: deb@braininsightsonline.com

For further information or for Brain Development Activity Packets go to:  BrainInsightsonline.com

HELPING BRAINS DEVELOP EMPATHY SKILLS BEGINS EARLY

Today I am sharing a guest blog filled with a wealth of information for both parents and professionals working with children. The focus of the article is on the development of empathy. This of course is a critical social/emotional skill. It is a higher area brain function, but the development begins through relationships early in life. 

This valuable article was published by Kids Enabled™ . This is a is a resource for parents and professionals to address the issues and challenges that come from caring for and teaching children with learning differences. The article is co-authored by Lauren Zimet, M.S.,CCC/SLP, Sharon Sokolik, M.A., CCC/SLP, and Contributing editor, Maggie Parry. 

Teaching Children to Empathize

Kate and Taylor are on the playground swinging. Jamie comes over to ask for a turn. Kate says “No! We’re swinging now!” Taylor doesn’t say anything. A few minutes later, Jamie re-approaches the swings, and asks again for a turn. Kate shouts “Go away, we’re swinging!” Jamie’s eyes fill with tears. Erica walks over, puts her arm around Jamie and says, “I know how you feel, let’s go play on the monkey bars, we can swing later!” That is empathy in action.

According to the late Stanley Greenspan, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics and author of Great Kids, one of the 10 traits of a “great kid” is empathy. However, for some children with learning differences, feeling empathetic is more difficult since many learning differences involve deficits in social skills.

Where it begins
For most children, the ability to empathize comes naturally, assuming the child’s environment is one of caring and discipline. Greenspan states that for children to learn empathy for others, they must first experience empathy for themselves. As a child is cared for, he learns to care for others. However, if there is a learning difference involved, especially one in which the child has trouble relating, reading social cues and discerning the emotions of others, the ability to empathize may need to be taught.

Simon Baron Cohen, in Mindblindness: An Essay on Autism and Theory of Mind, discusses the concept of “theory of mind,” i.e., having the ability to “reflect on the contents of one’s own and other’s minds.” Children who have difficulty processing verbal and nonverbal information presented by others will not be able to correctly interpret the actions of others. This is quite common with children who have the diagnosis of autism, Asperger’s, NVLD, social pragmatic disorder, language processing as well as those individuals that do not have any formal diagnosis, but misinterpret social cues.

Lynne Soraya, who writes Asperger’s Diary: Life Through the Lens of Asperger’s Syndrome for Psychology Today, is an adult living with Asperger’s. She recalled that every day at school she saw a copy of the statement, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” She understood what that meant; the problem, however, was that what she wanted done unto her was entirely different than what another child might have wanted. All people are different in their needs, and even neurotypical children have difficulty always responding appropriately to others’ feelings.

Does my child lack empathy?
Being empathetic is a key component of building a relationship with someone else. Here are some signs your child may need assistance to be able to be more understanding of how others may feel:

• The child can’t seem to read nonverbal hints or cues given by peers (i.e. facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice).
• The child has difficulty understanding how someone might think or feel about someone or something.
• The child has difficulty expressing appropriate responses or actions for what others may be feeling.
• The child isn’t able to recognize that there will be consequences as a result of how they respond to others.
• The child has the inability to validate emotions that others are expressing, telling them to just “let it go” or “get over it” without truly understanding why someone has particular feelings.

What parents can do
Adam Cox, in his article Learning and Teaching Social Skills: A Relationship-Based Approach, states, “To be in an empathic relationship with another person or group is the opposite of self-absorption. Empathy implies a departure from a state of self-centeredness, and immersion into the subjective experience of others. By definition, empathy is pro-social, because it emphasizes the value of comprehending and appreciating the thoughts and feelings of other people” (http://www.iser.com/teaching-social-skills.html).

However, many kids with learning differences don’t always understand this value of knowing what others feel. They feel left out, but they don’t know how to be a friend and sustain meaningful relationships. Fortunately, for most kids struggling with a learning difference, empathizing with others is a skill that can be taught and nurtured. Even very young children can be taught to recognize the facial expressions that show “happy,” “sad,” and “mad.”

There are many ways in which parents can make teaching empathy a part of the everyday routine. Below are activities suggested by some of the experts.

Dr. Meryl Lipton is a behavioral pediatric neurologist, assistant professor of pediatrics at Rush University Medical Center, and executive director of Rush Neurobehavioral Center. She offers the following to struggling parents. (For the full article see http://www.makeitbetter.net/family/education/892-how-to-teach-your-child-to-have-empathy)

1. If your young child seems baffled by or indifferent to the emotions of others, try drawing faces together, or take turns with your child making a face that’s happy, sad, calm, bored, angry or surprised. Each should guess what the other’s face expresses.
2. Model empathic behavior. A parent might say, “Your sister Noel seems upset. Let’s ask her what’s bothering her.” Or “Noel is sad that her friend cancelled their sleepover. How can we make her feel better?”
3. Encourage your child to see things from another person’s perspective. “You’re really good at soccer, but Bradley isn’t. Do you think he wants to keep playing? What could you do that he would like?”
4. Help your child recognize that people have different interests and preferences. See if your child can list the favorite ice cream flavors of family members and friends. Or ask what different people do for fun: Who plays baseball? Who builds with Legos? Who plays cards? Who plays video games? This sounds simple, but even older children can benefit from a habit of reminding themselves of their friends’ likes and dislikes before they get together.

Merry Gordon, in her article, Kindness Counts: Teaching Empathy, suggests the following activities for teaching children how to recognize the feelings of others. (For the full article, see http://www.education.com/magazine/article/Kindness_Counts_Teaching_Empathy).

1. Feelings flashcards: Create a set of feelings flashcards to help your children master this important skill. Cut out pictures of people from magazines that represent the emotions you want your child to learn. Very young children should stick to basic human emotions: happy, sad, angry, afraid, etc. For older children, you can represent more nuanced emotions—surprise, confusion, confidence or shyness, for example, and use more body language prompts than facial features. Glue or tape these pictures to index cards, and on the other side write the emotion represented by that picture. Use the cards as you would any flash cards—hold the card up and have your child guess the emotion and perhaps try to replicate it: “Good! Now how would you show through your body that you were happy about something?”
2. Talking stick. Often, one of the hardest parts of empathy for children is respectfully listening to another’s point of view—especially if it is a point of view they find disagreeable. The concept behind a talking stick is simple: the person holding the talking stick speaks his or her mind, and the other people make respectful and sincere efforts to understand that person’s point of view until they get the stick and are thus enabled to speak. Help your child to decorate a tree branch, dowel or paper towel roll with markers, paints, findings, etc. If you have more than one child, even decorating the talking stick can be a lesson in empathetic communication as you encourage your children to take turns and collaborate on designs. At the next sign of a disagreement, or if an important family decision needs to be made that involves input from all members, break out the talking stick and see how much it improves your children’s ability to listen to each other and treat others’ opinions as important. When children feel that their own views are valuable, they are more likely to be considerate of others’ views.

Two more great options for facilitating social thinking:

1. When working with children who may have a hard time with a 2 dimensional flash card game, instead, do more role playing with puppets and dolls, playing with different scenarios. Using photographs of your child and family, you can make stick puppets by securing photo face to a Popsicle stick to act out feelings. You can also use photos in a mini-photo album called “My Feeling Faces” (photos of friends, family making different emotions). It can be fun for children to identify their loved ones in different situations.
2. Create social stories. A social story describes a situation, skill, or concept in terms of relevant social cues, perspectives, and common responses in a specifically defined style and format. For example, parents can create a social story about making a sad friend feel better or what to say to the new child in class. The goal of a social story is to share accurate social information in a patient and relevant manner so that it’s understandable to children who have trouble deciphering social situations and cues. For some examples of how to create and use social stories, visit the following web sites:
   • www.thegraycenter.org
   • http://social-stories.blogspot.com/2011/02/social-story-how-to-make-spaghetti.html.
   • http://ptan.seresc.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/CreatingSocialStories.pdf
   • http://www.5minutesforspecialneeds.com/1340/how-to-create-great-social-stories/

S. K. Adams and J. Baronberg, authors of Promoting Positive Behavior, suggest the activities below to help children discern expressions and body language in order to judge how others are feeling (http://www.education.com/reference/article/help-children-identify-emotion-empathy/).

1. While reading stories to children, stop occasionally and ask children to identify the characters’ feelings in the context of the story. Discuss how the characters’ observable behaviors reveal their feelings.
2. Do simple role-plays by asking children, “Show me how your body and face would look if:
   • You got a birthday present.
   • A big dog barked at you.
   • A friend put a worm in your hand.
   • You found a snake on the playground.
   • You fell down and tore your new pants.
   • A friend knocked down your blocks.
3. Help children recognize that people may have different feelings about the same thing; people have different likes and dislikes. “Jason is excited when there is a thunderstorm, but Juanita gets scared.” “Timmy likes to climb high on the jungle gym, but Sam doesn’t.”
4. Help children recognize that their feelings about a situation may change. “Alejandra, you are feeling sad now and want to sit by yourself, but later you may feel differently and may want to join the group at circle.”

Modeling empathy and talking about/exploring feelings and emotions are a good starting place. Leading by example is a great way for children to make connections with their feelings and emotions. Getting your child involved in a social thinking group that incorporates perspective taking and functional problem solving with peers can be extremely beneficial. Becoming more empathetic can be a challenging task for anyone, however with the right support (for child and family), it can be done!

More for Parents

• Visit the library and bookstore. Look for books with simple pictures of faces and emotions. Children learn from seeing real pictures of people showing their feelings.
• You can even take photos of your family making different “feeling faces” and make these into a book to talk about WHY someone may feel a certain way.
• Visit parentingscience.com. Dr. Gwen Dewar is a parent and professional who writes on the many issues of parenting and child development. She has an informative blog.
• Visit positivediscipline.com. Author Jane Nelsen is a licensed marriage, family and child counselor and the co-author of the Positive Discipline series.
• Visit socialthinking.com and click on “books and products” for a list of tools to help parents and professionals teach social thinking to kids.
• Visit http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=167 for an informative article by Forever Families regarding ways to teach empathy.

Lauren Zimet, M.S.,CCC/SLP and Sharon Sokolik, M.A.,CCC/SLP are licensed speech pathologists. They facilitate social thinking groups for children, held at Tools for Families, JFCS in Dunwoody, GA. These unique social thinking groups are being conducted in schools, during the class day as well and/or after school. They work with teachers/schools and parents to help children learn to be better perspective takers. Lauren and Sharon work with children of all abilities (neurotypical) as well with children on the autism spectrum, NVL disorders, Asperger’s, apraxia, AD(H)D, and more. They are happy to speak with parents/teachers/therapists to share information on social thinking and teaching empathy.

Lauren can be reached at The Healthy Foundations Program at Early Insights, www.earlyinsights.com; laurenzimet@gmail.com.

Sharon can be reached at: Sharon Sokolik & Associates, www.sharonsokolik.com; sharonsokolik@gmail.com. 404.944.9561678-463-6512

Support for Friendships for Girls

"Empathy isn't knowing how you would feel if you were in her shoes. It's understanding how she feels in her own shoes."  
~ Kyle Miller

This quote is one I find explains empathy perfectly. A personal story of relationships between girls was shared in a recent post. It emphasizes how essential the life skill of empathy is for relationships and well-being in life. 

Of course the early years of birth - 5 are the time of greatest impact in wiring the brain for relationship and empathy abilities. However, the childhood years are an important time for practicing these essential life skills. The friendship experiences during this time have a critical impact on brain pathways toward adulthood. Through social interactions, the pre-teen years are a time that continues to contribute to the development of the pre-frontal cortex. This is the area of the brain responsible for the ability to self-regulate.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, family coach and trusted online adviser for teens. She has just released a wonderful new book to guide healthy relationships for girls ages 8-12. The Girls' Q &A Book on Friendship, is one that I had the honor of reviewing and am thrilled to share here.

My review:
 
“The world is going to be filled with girls that are kind, smart and self-assured as a result of this book. It’s fantastic! Annie provides fun, caring, straight forward, practical and supportive solutions for common relationship problems at a time when genuine friendships are needed more than ever! She communicates at the girls’ level so well!!”

In addition, I had the pleasure of interviewing Annie about the value of this resource for girls, educators and parents during her book tour. Enjoy learning more about Annie and this great book.

1   Deborah:   Do you find that there is a greater need for helping girls develop healthy friendships more than ever before?

Annie: Short answer, yes. Why? Because many girls’ friendship conflicts are played out on social media instead of being resolved in private, calm, and respectful face-to-face conversations. Or in conversations facilitated by caring adults. Social media is the world’s largest unsupervised playground and when girls go there to vent about a friend, things can spin out of control in seconds (and often do). It’s really all about learning to manage destructive emotions in responsible ways so no one gets hurt intentionally.

We all feel the effects of jealousy, hurt, betrayal, rejection… but people who have high Emotional (or Social) Intelligence skills know how to calm down before taking action. That’s the piece that’s missing for girls (and boys) these days. When they feel upset they grab the nearest device and use it as a weapon to get back at whomever they’re upset with at the moment. So much damage to girls’ health and well-being could be avoided (or minimized) if they had more tools for calming down, developing empathy, and communicating effectively and respectfully. Those are the skills girls need to develop healthy friendships (and, in later life) healthy professional relationships and romantic ones as well.

2   Deborah: Is there an aspect of friendships that you find to be most common from the girls that have contributed questions to the book?

Annie: Most common is the misconception that “If I speak up for myself in a friendship, I am not being a good friend.” This creates huge problems for girls because when they are upset, they need to express themselves effectively and appropriately to the friend who needs to hear it. (Talking behind her back doesn’t count!) But girls are often unwilling and/or unable to initiate those conversations. So they feel miserable and stuck in their misery. They believe that a “good friend” should never tell a friend something negative because then she will “hurt the friend’s feelings. And that’s mean.” So, if I, Annie, am hurt by something my bff Deborah did, I can not tell her, otherwise I will not be a good friend.” But Deborah is not a mind reader. If I suffer in silence, Deborah has no way of knowing how I feel. My silence will, in fact, send the message that it is OK for her to continue hurting me, even though it is not OK! My silence also leaves me feeling upset and powerless, not realizing that I do have power to change my response to this situation.

 

     Deborah: After providing support and advice, what is the most heartwarming story of change you have seen take place?

Annie: A girl emailed me about having fallen for her bff’s boyfriend. She was crying herself to sleep every night and thinking about him all the time and each time, feeling super guilty about “betraying” her friend… even though neither her friend nor the boyfriend ever knew she had these feelings. She also felt there was something “wrong” with her because she had never had a boyfriend. She wrote to me recently with an update…  

 “I've really gotten to be comfortable and happy with myself as I am, and I'm happy that I've grown as a person since then. I've even given a speech similar to yours to my other friends. I'm so much happier with my school life, my friends, how I spent my free time, etc. now than I was a year ago, and I just wanted to tell you that I'm doing so well now! Thanks so much for being there for me and all the other people who come to you for help.” 

As you can imagine, that email totally made my day!

     

     Deborah: There are many options for ways this book can be beneficial. Is there a way that you suggest the book is used to be most influential?

Annie: This book can be read by a girl all by herself and it will, hopefully, feel like she is with a friend who understands and can give her advice she can trust. The book can also be read by a girl and her Mom or Dad. I can imagine so many great family conversations that could be sparked by the Q&A in this book! Another way would be for two or three girls to read the book together. That would provide a safe context for girls to talk about some of the experiences and feelings they’ve had (or are having). Ultimately, any reading of the book that provides food for thought and action steps is going to empower girls and make their friendship healthier, stronger, and more fun!

To enjoy and benefit from all that Annie shares go to Annie Fox.com

BRAIN FACT: Brain Circuits Involved With Empathy Are Also Partially The Same As Cicuits Involved With Violence

Resent research reveals that the brain circuits involved with empathy are also partially the same as circuits involved with violence.   The researcher states, "We all know that encouraging empathy has an inhibiting effect on violence, but this may not only be a social question but also a biological one -- stimulation of these neuronal circuits in one direction reduces their activity in the other."

To read an article on this go to Science Daily.
 
A wonderful new program called Roots to Empathy is showing impressive results. Read the innovative and positive project aimed at preventing bullying in this article, Fighting Bullying with Babies.

YOUR BABY SAYS: "I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS!"

There are so many things to think about as a parent or care provider of an infant or toddler. But there is one thing that makes life easier for you and better for the baby. When you stop to see things through the baby’s eyes, or think about how you would feel in the same situation, and then tell the baby that you understand, it helps… A LOT! 

This is a perspective babies would so love for you to know:

“Throughout the day there are SO many different emotions I feel. The thing is my brain is to immature to have the ability to deal with all of these feelings on my own. Because you are my parent or caretaker I SO need to you to help me with all I feel and it feels so good when you do!

Even though it may not seem like it, I do understand more about what is going on than you may realize. All that takes place throughout our day together creates 

many different emotions for me.

Do you know what is the absolute best feeling of all for me?

When you notice and acknowledge things from my perspective, it feels so good. When I hear you share that you understand, it feels so incredibly wonderful.

I love when you respect me as a real person.

Even though at times it may seem that I may not be affected by things going on in our life, this really is not true. My brain is designed to learn through interacting with the world and the people in my life. So, I pick up on everything. My brain actually tunes in on the emotional atmosphere within seconds. Even seeing you frown can easily impact my brain and my mood."

"I realize sometimes it is not always easy for you to see things from my perspective, but what I would love most is for you do to all you can to try. 

Then when you see things in this way, and then tell me that you understand, it feels so extremely comforting!

It so warms my heart, calms my brain and relaxes me to have you express that you realize and address how I am feeling. Through these caring interactions you are helping my brain begin to make the pathway connections for learning to deal with emotions."

Ava Parnass, a baby/child psychotherapist loves helping parents to start developing, Emergent Emotional Intelligence, in their babies. I am pleased that Ava has collaborated with me on this post to share valuable insights for contributing to a child's healthy emotional development. 

Every child is born with an emotional thermostat that can be developed, built up or broken down. At first emotions are expressed by crying, giggles, squirms, smiles, eye twinkles , turning away, etc., and then by behavior. As children mature it is important for adults to role model and help kids to develop the ability to regulate their emotions with words so they start to recognize and address their feelings underneath their behavior.   

One Example from a Baby's Perspective

“When I am strapped into a seat and cannot move or explore, I feel very restrained and frustrated. Please, understand this is not a good feeling for me and it really feels good when I feel you know that. Empathy can be felt and understood by me and it helps me deal with my emotions"

Things Grown-ups can Say

“I know it is so hard to sit in your seat when you want to move!  (Expressing Empathy) 

"I imagine you would rather be held or play." (Becoming a baby detective: What emotions is your child's crying, mood or behavior expressing?)

“I know it’s frustrating. Maybe you feel trapped or confined.” (Label and identify the potential feeling)

If the baby is still crying ...

You could say, "I am so sorry, you are stuck in the car seat.”  Use a soothing voice despite how anxious the crying can make you. (Empathy expressed again)

 "I’m sorry, but I need to strap you in to keep you safe and protect you."  (Explanation of why you are doing something comes after empathy)

 "I know it’s hard to wait to play or be held! Let's take a break from the car seat for a few minutes, I see you are getting squirmy! Oh my, you have been in it for 30 min already!" (Realizing the perspective of the baby again)

"As you get older waiting gets easier." (Starting to assist in the development of patience, resilience and emotional intelligence)  

"We can play again later."  Time feels like forever to babies and toddlers. (Provide hope)

Ideas For You

1. Role playing any activity can pave the way for adjusting to transitions. But, don't lose hope if role playing does not show immediate success. It may not work right away, but it has a lot of value as your child develops the ability to adjust to new situations.

 2. Play with the car seat in the house so the baby can get used to going into it. With very brief periods of fun play, the child learns it’s not just a 'jail'!

3. Make sure the baby gets enough activity, play, kisses and interaction before they get in the car seat.

4. Talk to the baby in a way that you'd like to be spoken too. Keep repeating a few times in a soft voice, "I know sometimes it can be hard to sit in the car seat. I'm sorry that it's frustrating. We can cuddle and play when we get out of the car.”

5. Make a car seat game. Instead of (I'm going to chase you) try instead, “I'm going kiss and cuddle you while I buckle you in."

6. Have a favorite toy or stuffed animal in car. And add new ones to explore and attract attention. In additional to things that are comforting and familiar, babies brains also love to learn and explore new things.

7. If you are not the person driving, read books or do finger plays with the baby.  Try fun ideas from brain development activity packets or Love Your Baby App. 

8. Use a soothing voice and sing to or play music to help calm the baby. Or use fun songs and music to entertain the baby.

9. Long trips generally need lots of feeding, play, cuddles and movement breaks depending on the age of your child and their temperament.

10. Some babies are okay being in their coat others need less restriction, so warm up the car or bring a blanket!

 It sometimes is quite amazing how simply letting your baby know that you understand how they are feeling, can make a remarkable difference! Hopefully these insights and tips bring you and the baby in your life great enjoyment of time spent together!

  

 

This post was co-authored with: Ava Parnass ~ Listen To Me Please.com

Ava Parnass, a.k.a. “The Kid Whisperer,” is an author, songwriter and child therapist who specializes in marrying Entertainment, Emotional Intelligence and Time-In not Time-Out for kids. Ms Parnass helps kids figure out how they feel through playing, talking, listening, reading, singing and dancing.
Her multi-media materials, books and songs encourage parents and  kids to read and sing along, in the process learning how awareness of  feelings “Emotional Intelligence” improves problems and behavioral issues.  Parenting is a hard job and the books and songs really help kids and parents put a finger on what is bugging them and change it.

CAN THIS DISRUPT A BABY"S SLEEP?

Question from a Mom:

I am so tired!  We just moved and my baby isn't sleeping. He usually sleeps through the night, until now. Do you think the move is affecting him? He is only a BABY why should it bother him?

---------------------

These are some of the thoughts your baby might want to verbalize if he could.

"Dear Mom,

Moving is very stressful for me. You are so anxious and busy. It feels like you don't love me and are too busy for me. Am I bad or did I do something wrong?  I was so familiar with our old house. This new room is so scary and the noises are all new and different. I feel overwhelmed. Where are my old friends, my room, my toys? I just feel sad. I wonder if I will I ever feel better.  If you can leave an apt or house, perhaps you can leave me too!  When I miss you I wonder if you are coming back , I am not sure?”

Brain Insights:

Your baby is expressing some very real feelings that are very natural as a result of the change in his life. As a caring parent, it is wonderful that even though you are not sure, you have considered that it could be the move that is affecting your son’s sleep.

Understanding a couple of areas of early brain development may help address your excellent questions.

1. Brains adapt to the environment they are most exposed to. Through repeated experiences a baby’s brain learns what to expect from their surroundings. The brain actually creates connections based on these repeated experiences. Your baby has adapted his brain to the sounds, people and familiar objects of your previous home.

2. Brains also are primarily focused on survival. All brains are constantly unconsciously scanning the environment for safety. It determines if the environment and the people in it are safe. The brain becomes alerted if there is something new or different. Until it decides if the new situation or objects are safe, the brain stays on alert.

Through this understanding you will better be able to help your son adjust and feel comfortable in your new surroundings. You can provide verbal reassurance. You are the person he depends on most to keep him safe. He has to rely on you to let him know if he is in a secure situation or if he should be frightened. So, in addition to your verbal reassurance, he will also pay a great amount of attention to your non-verbal expressions and feelings. The more you are calm and show comfort in the new home, he will begin to learn this is a safe place and will relax.

This trust and dependence on a parent is clearly evident in the Visual Cliff 

Experiment by Joseph Campos and shared by Mind in the Making.You can watch it here and get a better idea of the very real impact your actions have on your baby.

Ava Parnass from Listen to Me Please, 

provides additional valuable insights: 

One of the first things I learned about in college was the Hans Selye scale of stress. To this day it still stays with me despite all the other amazing interesting things I have learned and am learning since. Selye put moving to a new place,  death and divorce right at the top of the list of the stressors that families experience. 

As a baby-child psychotherapist for over 20 years I have seen how moving is just as stressful for babies and children as it is for adults. The stress of moving can cause some new or regressive sleep problems for your baby or toddler.  

As adults, we tend to stress over the details and even though babies and young children don’t stress as much about those details, they will feel the anxiety from you and also feel their own anxiety that such enormous change causes.  Moving is totally disruptive — new room, new house, new school, new caregiver -babysitters, new friends, etc. And let's not forget, the noises are different. New things are scary and most of all the grown-ups are preoccupied. 

Babies, toddlers and preschoolers thrive on routine, so when those routines are disrupted, it can make babies anxious and have many feelings that are keeping them awake at night.  Babies and toddlers lack the words and self-awareness to articulate their feelings. They may show a variety of different behavioral signs and ways expressing their feelings.

Things you could do and say:

1. Show me pictures of old house during the day. Play; Bye Bye old house, Hello new house. Connecting a picture to a feeling and event facilitates learning.

Say: "I know you must miss your friends and your room. Missing is a hard feeling." (empathy)

"I am sorry. Soon you will feel better and I will help you." (empathy and hope)

2. You can role play with stuffed animals, use a play crib, have animals  sleeping in the new bed and room during the day. This works even with a baby.

You play all the roles, keep it brief, and make it fun. Role playing helps kids cope with hard feelings and transitions, and helps build resilience.

3. Say, “Mommy (Daddy) always come back, but houses we say good-bye to sometimes.”

Repeat frequently during the day.  (empathy and building object constancy, that grown-ups do come back)

4. Keep in mind when babies are adjusting to a new sleep routine in a new home, an additional factor in not sleeping can be daylight saving time and time zone shifts. So adjust the routine accordingly.

5. Try to make sure that the first month or so after your move is as “normal” as possible.Try to minimize the amount of changes in the first weeks of the move.

6. You may have to start or restart gentle sleep training with Emotional Intelligence.

(e-book and a new book, Time-In not Time-Out coming soon, Ava Parnass)

A: Sit by bed for a few minutes as your child settles in at night after your regular routine bath book cuddles etc.

B:  When the baby cries say 2 lines with no affect (feeling)   (parents need to  make night time not interesting but at the same time feel safe and secure)

Say, "I love you, I know moving is hard and I bet you miss your old things!"

“Mommy or Daddy always come back to see you when you wake up. We will have fun and play in morning when the sun is up.”

7. Keep the routine as regular as possible throughout the day. Of course bedtime routine will be most important to keep consistent. 

8. Spend time in your son’s room with him. When you or he hear a sound, verbalize what the sound is. For example: “You hear the water running in the kitchen, don’t you?”  Or, “I hear the clock from the living room can you hear it? It sounds like it did at our old house doesn’t it?”

9. Arrange the furniture and belongings in your son’s room as close to the way it was in your previous home as possible. As you put things in place you tell your son, “This is like it was in your room at the old house isn’t it?” 

10. Make sure you provide fun interaction time together throughout the day, so your baby gets the attention he needs. Brain Development Activity Packets provide an extremely easy way to have ideas right on hand. Each activity also explains how it is good for your son’s brain development. Which will help relieve some of your worries!