Question from a Mom:
I am so tired! We just moved and
my baby isn't sleeping. He usually sleeps through the night, until now. Do
you think the move is affecting him? He is only a BABY why should it
bother him?
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These are some of the thoughts your baby might want to verbalize if he could.
"Dear Mom,
Moving
is very stressful for me. You are so anxious and busy. It feels like
you don't love me and are too busy for me. Am I bad or did I do
something wrong? I was so familiar with our old house. This new room is
so scary and the noises are all new and different. I feel overwhelmed. Where
are my old friends, my room, my toys? I just feel sad. I wonder if I
will I ever feel better. If you can leave an apt or
house, perhaps you can leave me too!
When I miss you I wonder if you are coming back , I am not sure?”
Your baby is expressing
some very real feelings that are very natural as a result of the change in his
life. As a caring parent, it is wonderful that even though you are not sure,
you have considered that it could be the move that is affecting your son’s
sleep.
Understanding a couple of
areas of early brain development may help address your excellent questions.
1. Brains adapt to the
environment they are most exposed to. Through repeated experiences a baby’s
brain learns what to expect from their surroundings. The brain actually creates
connections based on these repeated experiences. Your baby has adapted his
brain to the sounds, people and familiar objects of your previous home.
2. Brains also are
primarily focused on survival. All brains are constantly unconsciously scanning
the environment for safety. It determines if the environment and the people in
it are safe. The brain becomes alerted if there is something new or different.
Until it decides if the new situation or
objects are safe, the brain stays on alert.
Through this understanding
you will better be able to help your son adjust and feel comfortable in
your new surroundings. You can provide verbal reassurance. You are the person he depends on most to keep him safe. He has to rely on you to let him know if he is in a secure situation or if he should be frightened. So, in addition to your verbal reassurance, he
will also pay a great amount of attention to your non-verbal expressions and
feelings. The more you are calm and show comfort in the new home, he will begin
to learn this is a safe place and will relax.
This trust and dependence
on a parent is clearly evident in the Visual Cliff
Experiment and shared by Mind in the Making.You can watch it here and get a better idea of the very
real impact your actions have on your baby.
Ava Parnass from Listen to Me Please,
provides additional valuable insights:
One of the first things I
learned about in college was the Hans Selye scale of stress. To this day
it still stays with me despite all the other amazing interesting
things I have learned and am learning since. Selye put moving to a new
place, death and divorce right at the
top of the list of the stressors that families experience.
As a baby-child
psychotherapist for over 20 years I have seen how moving is just as
stressful for babies and children as it is for adults. The stress of moving can
cause some new or regressive sleep problems for
your baby or toddler.
As adults, we tend to
stress over the details and even though babies and young children don’t
stress as much about those details, they will feel the anxiety from you and
also feel their own anxiety that such enormous change causes. Moving is
totally disruptive — new room, new house, new school, new caregiver
-babysitters, new friends, etc. And
let's not forget, the noises are different. New things are scary and most of all the
grown-ups are preoccupied.
Babies, toddlers and
preschoolers thrive on routine, so when those routines are disrupted, it can
make babies anxious and have many feelings that are keeping them awake at
night. Babies
and toddlers lack the words and self-awareness to articulate their feelings.
They may show a variety of different behavioral signs and ways
expressing their feelings.
Things you could do and say:
1. Show me pictures of old
house during the day. Play; Bye Bye old house, Hello new
house. Connecting a picture to a feeling and event
facilitates learning.
Say: "I know you must miss
your friends and your room. Missing is a hard feeling." (empathy)
"I am sorry. Soon you will
feel better and I will help you." (empathy and hope)
2. You can role play with stuffed animals, use a play
crib, have animals sleeping in the new bed and room during the day. This
works even with a baby.
You play all the roles,
keep it brief, and make it fun. Role playing helps kids cope with hard feelings
and transitions, and helps build resilience.
3. Say, “Mommy (Daddy) always come back, but houses we say
good-bye to sometimes.”
Repeat frequently during
the day. (empathy
and building object constancy, that grown-ups do come back)
4. Keep in mind
when babies are adjusting to a new sleep routine in a new home, an additional
factor in not sleeping can be daylight saving time and time zone shifts. So adjust the routine accordingly.
5. Try to make sure that
the first month or so after your move is as “normal” as possible.Try to minimize the amount of changes in the
first weeks of the move.
6. You may have
to start or restart gentle
sleep training with Emotional Intelligence.
(e-book and a new book, Time-In not Time-Out coming soon, Ava Parnass)
A: Sit by bed for a few
minutes as your child settles in at night after your regular routine bath
book cuddles etc.
B: When the baby
cries say 2 lines with no affect (feeling) (parents need to make night
time not interesting but at the same time feel safe and secure)
Say, "I love you, I know moving is hard
and I bet you miss your old things!"
“Mommy or Daddy always
come back to see you when you wake up. We will have fun and play in morning
when the sun is up.”
7. Keep the routine as regular as possible throughout the
day. Of course bedtime routine will be most important to keep consistent.
8. Spend time in your son’s room with him. When you or he hear a sound, verbalize what the sound is. For example: “You hear the water
running in the kitchen, don’t you?” Or, “I
hear the clock from the living room can you hear it? It sounds like it did at
our old house doesn’t it?”
9. Arrange the furniture and belongings in your son’s
room as close to the way it was in your previous home as possible. As you put
things in place you tell your son, “This is like it was in your room at the
old house isn’t it?”
10. Make sure you provide fun interaction time together
throughout the day, so your baby gets the attention he needs. Brain Development Activity Packets provide an extremely easy way to have ideas right
on hand. Each activity also explains how it is good for your son’s brain
development. Which will help relieve some of your worries!
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