Support for Friendships for Girls

"Empathy isn't knowing how you would feel if you were in her shoes. It's understanding how she feels in her own shoes."  
~ Kyle Miller

This quote is one I find explains empathy perfectly. A personal story of relationships between girls was shared in a recent post. It emphasizes how essential the life skill of empathy is for relationships and well-being in life. 

Of course the early years of birth - 5 are the time of greatest impact in wiring the brain for relationship and empathy abilities. However, the childhood years are an important time for practicing these essential life skills. The friendship experiences during this time have a critical impact on brain pathways toward adulthood. Through social interactions, the pre-teen years are a time that continues to contribute to the development of the pre-frontal cortex. This is the area of the brain responsible for the ability to self-regulate.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, family coach and trusted online adviser for teens. She has just released a wonderful new book to guide healthy relationships for girls ages 8-12. The Girls' Q &A Book on Friendship, is one that I had the honor of reviewing and am thrilled to share here.

My review:
 
“The world is going to be filled with girls that are kind, smart and self-assured as a result of this book. It’s fantastic! Annie provides fun, caring, straight forward, practical and supportive solutions for common relationship problems at a time when genuine friendships are needed more than ever! She communicates at the girls’ level so well!!”

In addition, I had the pleasure of interviewing Annie about the value of this resource for girls, educators and parents during her book tour. Enjoy learning more about Annie and this great book.

1   Deborah:   Do you find that there is a greater need for helping girls develop healthy friendships more than ever before?

Annie: Short answer, yes. Why? Because many girls’ friendship conflicts are played out on social media instead of being resolved in private, calm, and respectful face-to-face conversations. Or in conversations facilitated by caring adults. Social media is the world’s largest unsupervised playground and when girls go there to vent about a friend, things can spin out of control in seconds (and often do). It’s really all about learning to manage destructive emotions in responsible ways so no one gets hurt intentionally.

We all feel the effects of jealousy, hurt, betrayal, rejection… but people who have high Emotional (or Social) Intelligence skills know how to calm down before taking action. That’s the piece that’s missing for girls (and boys) these days. When they feel upset they grab the nearest device and use it as a weapon to get back at whomever they’re upset with at the moment. So much damage to girls’ health and well-being could be avoided (or minimized) if they had more tools for calming down, developing empathy, and communicating effectively and respectfully. Those are the skills girls need to develop healthy friendships (and, in later life) healthy professional relationships and romantic ones as well.

2   Deborah: Is there an aspect of friendships that you find to be most common from the girls that have contributed questions to the book?

Annie: Most common is the misconception that “If I speak up for myself in a friendship, I am not being a good friend.” This creates huge problems for girls because when they are upset, they need to express themselves effectively and appropriately to the friend who needs to hear it. (Talking behind her back doesn’t count!) But girls are often unwilling and/or unable to initiate those conversations. So they feel miserable and stuck in their misery. They believe that a “good friend” should never tell a friend something negative because then she will “hurt the friend’s feelings. And that’s mean.” So, if I, Annie, am hurt by something my bff Deborah did, I can not tell her, otherwise I will not be a good friend.” But Deborah is not a mind reader. If I suffer in silence, Deborah has no way of knowing how I feel. My silence will, in fact, send the message that it is OK for her to continue hurting me, even though it is not OK! My silence also leaves me feeling upset and powerless, not realizing that I do have power to change my response to this situation.

 

     Deborah: After providing support and advice, what is the most heartwarming story of change you have seen take place?

Annie: A girl emailed me about having fallen for her bff’s boyfriend. She was crying herself to sleep every night and thinking about him all the time and each time, feeling super guilty about “betraying” her friend… even though neither her friend nor the boyfriend ever knew she had these feelings. She also felt there was something “wrong” with her because she had never had a boyfriend. She wrote to me recently with an update…  

 “I've really gotten to be comfortable and happy with myself as I am, and I'm happy that I've grown as a person since then. I've even given a speech similar to yours to my other friends. I'm so much happier with my school life, my friends, how I spent my free time, etc. now than I was a year ago, and I just wanted to tell you that I'm doing so well now! Thanks so much for being there for me and all the other people who come to you for help.” 

As you can imagine, that email totally made my day!

     

     Deborah: There are many options for ways this book can be beneficial. Is there a way that you suggest the book is used to be most influential?

Annie: This book can be read by a girl all by herself and it will, hopefully, feel like she is with a friend who understands and can give her advice she can trust. The book can also be read by a girl and her Mom or Dad. I can imagine so many great family conversations that could be sparked by the Q&A in this book! Another way would be for two or three girls to read the book together. That would provide a safe context for girls to talk about some of the experiences and feelings they’ve had (or are having). Ultimately, any reading of the book that provides food for thought and action steps is going to empower girls and make their friendship healthier, stronger, and more fun!

To enjoy and benefit from all that Annie shares go to Annie Fox.com

The Development of Empathy... An Essential Life Skill!

       

                                                                   

Emotion has an enormous impact on imprinting memory in our brains. I had an experience when I was 6 years old that included emotion and have the memory of it all of these many years later.

It was a 6 year old birthday sleep over party. There were 7 girls invited that lived near each other and played together most days. A girl new to the neighborhood was invited only due to the requirement of the birthday girl’s mother. I was also invited.I lived a block away but did play with these girls fairly often. Being an extremely shy girl I really liked being accepted by this group and was excited to be included in the party.
The party progressed and it was now time to begin preparing for sleep. The new girl found a spot and laid out her sleeping bag on the family room floor. As she did this, one girl ran into the other room exclaiming how she was not going to put her sleeping bag anywhere new this new girl. The other girls followed running into the other room expressing the same plan. Even though I was silent, I also followed the group into the other room. As I stated it was very important to me to feel a part of this group.

Once in the other room, I turned around and saw the girl sitting all alone on her sleeping bag looking very dejected. At that moment an intense feeling of empathy overcame me. With this strong feeling, I picked up my sleeping bag, went into the other room and laid it out right next to the girl who was being excluded. To my surprise, the other girls followed and the party resumed.

The ability I had to see things from her perspective and the resulting empathy I had for this girl in this situation strongly overcame my need to be accepted by the group.
Brain research demonstrates that even very young babies have a capacity for empathy. This is an extremely essential life skill and is at the heart of social skills and success in life. It is a skill like any other, it needs to be developed.

As Dr. Bruce Perry, an expert on the development of and need for empathy, states:

 "One of the most important aspects of being a human being, is being able to be in a relationship. Being able to successfully form and maintain a relationship. And at the heart of that capability is the capacity to put yourself in somebody else's shoes, to see the world how they see it. That capacity is empathy."

As my career unfolded, I became extremely interested in early brain development research and now have the goal of making it commonly understood…. and that goal is only to have it understood by EVERY adult in this world! The impact of early relationships is an area of major focus in this work.

The brain is experience dependent, meaning development doesn’t just magically happen. A brain develops based on the combination of the genes a child is born with and the experiences that a child has after birth. The pre-school years are like the fourth trimester in rapidly connecting the 100 billion brain cells we are born with. Experiences create a direct and physical impact on the way a brain is wired. And the repetition of experiences strengthens these essential neural connections.

The brain is designed to adapt to whatever type of experiences are repeated most frequently…. whether positive or negative. Even though it takes many years for the brain to fully mature, these early months are the time for the most rapid amount of growth and development of the brain… with 85% of growth by age three.

We are biologically designed for relationships. We are born with a primary need to get someone to care for us. We are completely dependent on at least one relationship with another person. Through the ideal situation of having someone lovingly and consistently respond to meet our needs in a nurturing way brain pathways for empathy are being created.

If an infant is responded to repeatedly and predictably in a caring way, this is going to create the feelings of safety and pleasure that her brain craves. This will begin the wiring in her brain for relationships with others in her life. So when infants consistently experience the give and take of a responsive relationship the basis for developing the skill of empathy occurs. Interestingly research conducted indicates that the brain areas for both empathy and violence are partially similar. These findings lead the researchers to state:

"We all know that encouraging empathy has an inhibiting effect on violence, but this may not only be a social question but also a biological one -- stimulation of these neuronal circuits in one direction reduces their activity in the other."

As a result a more empathetic brain will have more difficulty behaving in a violent way. While attending the sleep over party, my brain pathways likely fired in a way that found it too difficult to be mean to the new girl.

Various versions of interesting studies reveal that babies as young as 5 months old can demonstrate empathy skills. However, due to a variety of situations and circumstances some children do not experience the ideal serve and return relationships early in life. A child that does not experience the give and take of a relationship is simply not going to develop the brain connections for seeing things from another person’s point of view.

However the wonderful news is, the brain is always learning, re-organizing and making new connections throughout life. This is called, plasticity. This provides us with the extraordinary opportunity to make changes later. Of course it is best to develop a brain as optimally as possible in the first place, but it is significant to realize changes can be made through learning and repetition at other times in life. One remarkable program that is making an incredible difference in this way is a program called, Roots of Empathy.

This project is based simply on a mother visiting a classroom with her baby on a monthly basis. The children are taught perspective taking through their interactions with the baby. The results have been dramatic. Humans are contagious beings. So, part of the effectiveness of this program is likely due to our contagious make up and these kids are “catching empathy experiences”. This contagious aspect seemed to be the case in the slumber party experience where the other girls joined me after I showed caring to the new girl. The repeated experiences of feeling empathy for a baby in the Roots of Empathy program are actually changing the brains of the children and this essential life skill is being learned.

Indicators are revealing that empathetic behaviors are in decline in many societies. There are numerous factors contributing to this occurring. So, since we are neuro-biologically meant to be connected to others, this needs to be realized and an emphasis of time spent on the development of relationships is critical.

In summary, valuing the time parents have to spend with their infants and young children and supporting parents in establishing a nurturing relationship is essential. Additionally, for daycares and schools to have an effective way to help children for success in life, is to have low teacher child ratios to increase the opportunity to foster relationships with every child. And then use the understanding that the brain is experience dependent. Children in schools can be engaged collectively in a caring climate and create activities that benefit other human beings.

Children have the capacity to learn to read, write and do arithmetic … children also have the capacity to empathize. If we truly want to help children thrive in life ….and want to have an incredibly positive impact on our world, it is VITAL that we place the emphasis on the development of relationships with other human beings … This is where it all begins! After all it IS the primary need of the brain!

This was a presentation I gave at Parenting 2.0 Talks 2014 Dublin, Ireland. September 2014

To book a presentation toward making a difference for your school, organization, agency or company send an email to: deb@braininsightsonline.com

For further information or for Brain Development Activity Packets go to:  BrainInsightsonline.com

CAN THIS DISRUPT A BABY"S SLEEP?

Question from a Mom:

I am so tired!  We just moved and my baby isn't sleeping. He usually sleeps through the night, until now. Do you think the move is affecting him? He is only a BABY why should it bother him?

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These are some of the thoughts your baby might want to verbalize if he could.

"Dear Mom,

Moving is very stressful for me. You are so anxious and busy. It feels like you don't love me and are too busy for me. Am I bad or did I do something wrong?  I was so familiar with our old house. This new room is so scary and the noises are all new and different. I feel overwhelmed. Where are my old friends, my room, my toys? I just feel sad. I wonder if I will I ever feel better.  If you can leave an apt or house, perhaps you can leave me too!  When I miss you I wonder if you are coming back , I am not sure?”

Brain Insights:

Your baby is expressing some very real feelings that are very natural as a result of the change in his life. As a caring parent, it is wonderful that even though you are not sure, you have considered that it could be the move that is affecting your son’s sleep.

Understanding a couple of areas of early brain development may help address your excellent questions.

1. Brains adapt to the environment they are most exposed to. Through repeated experiences a baby’s brain learns what to expect from their surroundings. The brain actually creates connections based on these repeated experiences. Your baby has adapted his brain to the sounds, people and familiar objects of your previous home.

2. Brains also are primarily focused on survival. All brains are constantly unconsciously scanning the environment for safety. It determines if the environment and the people in it are safe. The brain becomes alerted if there is something new or different. Until it decides if the new situation or objects are safe, the brain stays on alert.

Through this understanding you will better be able to help your son adjust and feel comfortable in your new surroundings. You can provide verbal reassurance. You are the person he depends on most to keep him safe. He has to rely on you to let him know if he is in a secure situation or if he should be frightened. So, in addition to your verbal reassurance, he will also pay a great amount of attention to your non-verbal expressions and feelings. The more you are calm and show comfort in the new home, he will begin to learn this is a safe place and will relax.

This trust and dependence on a parent is clearly evident in the Visual Cliff 

Experiment by Joseph Campos and shared by Mind in the Making.You can watch it here and get a better idea of the very real impact your actions have on your baby.

Ava Parnass from Listen to Me Please, 

provides additional valuable insights: 

One of the first things I learned about in college was the Hans Selye scale of stress. To this day it still stays with me despite all the other amazing interesting things I have learned and am learning since. Selye put moving to a new place,  death and divorce right at the top of the list of the stressors that families experience. 

As a baby-child psychotherapist for over 20 years I have seen how moving is just as stressful for babies and children as it is for adults. The stress of moving can cause some new or regressive sleep problems for your baby or toddler.  

As adults, we tend to stress over the details and even though babies and young children don’t stress as much about those details, they will feel the anxiety from you and also feel their own anxiety that such enormous change causes.  Moving is totally disruptive — new room, new house, new school, new caregiver -babysitters, new friends, etc. And let's not forget, the noises are different. New things are scary and most of all the grown-ups are preoccupied. 

Babies, toddlers and preschoolers thrive on routine, so when those routines are disrupted, it can make babies anxious and have many feelings that are keeping them awake at night.  Babies and toddlers lack the words and self-awareness to articulate their feelings. They may show a variety of different behavioral signs and ways expressing their feelings.

Things you could do and say:

1. Show me pictures of old house during the day. Play; Bye Bye old house, Hello new house. Connecting a picture to a feeling and event facilitates learning.

Say: "I know you must miss your friends and your room. Missing is a hard feeling." (empathy)

"I am sorry. Soon you will feel better and I will help you." (empathy and hope)

2. You can role play with stuffed animals, use a play crib, have animals  sleeping in the new bed and room during the day. This works even with a baby.

You play all the roles, keep it brief, and make it fun. Role playing helps kids cope with hard feelings and transitions, and helps build resilience.

3. Say, “Mommy (Daddy) always come back, but houses we say good-bye to sometimes.”

Repeat frequently during the day.  (empathy and building object constancy, that grown-ups do come back)

4. Keep in mind when babies are adjusting to a new sleep routine in a new home, an additional factor in not sleeping can be daylight saving time and time zone shifts. So adjust the routine accordingly.

5. Try to make sure that the first month or so after your move is as “normal” as possible.Try to minimize the amount of changes in the first weeks of the move.

6. You may have to start or restart gentle sleep training with Emotional Intelligence.

(e-book and a new book, Time-In not Time-Out coming soon, Ava Parnass)

A: Sit by bed for a few minutes as your child settles in at night after your regular routine bath book cuddles etc.

B:  When the baby cries say 2 lines with no affect (feeling)   (parents need to  make night time not interesting but at the same time feel safe and secure)

Say, "I love you, I know moving is hard and I bet you miss your old things!"

“Mommy or Daddy always come back to see you when you wake up. We will have fun and play in morning when the sun is up.”

7. Keep the routine as regular as possible throughout the day. Of course bedtime routine will be most important to keep consistent. 

8. Spend time in your son’s room with him. When you or he hear a sound, verbalize what the sound is. For example: “You hear the water running in the kitchen, don’t you?”  Or, “I hear the clock from the living room can you hear it? It sounds like it did at our old house doesn’t it?”

9. Arrange the furniture and belongings in your son’s room as close to the way it was in your previous home as possible. As you put things in place you tell your son, “This is like it was in your room at the old house isn’t it?” 

10. Make sure you provide fun interaction time together throughout the day, so your baby gets the attention he needs. Brain Development Activity Packets provide an extremely easy way to have ideas right on hand. Each activity also explains how it is good for your son’s brain development. Which will help relieve some of your worries! 

YOUR BABY SAYS: "I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS!"

There are so many things to think about as a parent or care provider of an infant or toddler. But there is one thing that makes life easier for you and better for the baby. When you stop to see things through the baby’s eyes, or think about how you would feel in the same situation, and then tell the baby that you understand, it helps… A LOT! 

This is a perspective babies would so love for you to know:

“Throughout the day there are SO many different emotions I feel. The thing is my brain is to immature to have the ability to deal with all of these feelings on my own. Because you are my parent or caretaker I SO need to you to help me with all I feel and it feels so good when you do!

Even though it may not seem like it, I do understand more about what is going on than you may realize. All that takes place throughout our day together creates 

many different emotions for me.

Do you know what is the absolute best feeling of all for me?

When you notice and acknowledge things from my perspective, it feels so good. When I hear you share that you understand, it feels so incredibly wonderful.

I love when you respect me as a real person.

Even though at times it may seem that I may not be affected by things going on in our life, this really is not true. My brain is designed to learn through interacting with the world and the people in my life. So, I pick up on everything. My brain actually tunes in on the emotional atmosphere within seconds. Even seeing you frown can easily impact my brain and my mood."

"I realize sometimes it is not always easy for you to see things from my perspective, but what I would love most is for you do to all you can to try. 

Then when you see things in this way, and then tell me that you understand, it feels so extremely comforting!

It so warms my heart, calms my brain and relaxes me to have you express that you realize and address how I am feeling. Through these caring interactions you are helping my brain begin to make the pathway connections for learning to deal with emotions."

Ava Parnass, a baby/child psychotherapist loves helping parents to start developing, Emergent Emotional Intelligence, in their babies. I am pleased that Ava has collaborated with me on this post to share valuable insights for contributing to a child's healthy emotional development. 

Every child is born with an emotional thermostat that can be developed, built up or broken down. At first emotions are expressed by crying, giggles, squirms, smiles, eye twinkles , turning away, etc., and then by behavior. As children mature it is important for adults to role model and help kids to develop the ability to regulate their emotions with words so they start to recognize and address their feelings underneath their behavior.   

One Example from a Baby's Perspective

“When I am strapped into a seat and cannot move or explore, I feel very restrained and frustrated. Please, understand this is not a good feeling for me and it really feels good when I feel you know that. Empathy can be felt and understood by me and it helps me deal with my emotions"

Things Grown-ups can Say

“I know it is so hard to sit in your seat when you want to move!  (Expressing Empathy) 

"I imagine you would rather be held or play." (Becoming a baby detective: What emotions is your child's crying, mood or behavior expressing?)

“I know it’s frustrating. Maybe you feel trapped or confined.” (Label and identify the potential feeling)

If the baby is still crying ...

You could say, "I am so sorry, you are stuck in the car seat.”  Use a soothing voice despite how anxious the crying can make you. (Empathy expressed again)

 "I’m sorry, but I need to strap you in to keep you safe and protect you."  (Explanation of why you are doing something comes after empathy)

 "I know it’s hard to wait to play or be held! Let's take a break from the car seat for a few minutes, I see you are getting squirmy! Oh my, you have been in it for 30 min already!" (Realizing the perspective of the baby again)

"As you get older waiting gets easier." (Starting to assist in the development of patience, resilience and emotional intelligence)  

"We can play again later."  Time feels like forever to babies and toddlers. (Provide hope)

Ideas For You

1. Role playing any activity can pave the way for adjusting to transitions. But, don't lose hope if role playing does not show immediate success. It may not work right away, but it has a lot of value as your child develops the ability to adjust to new situations.

 2. Play with the car seat in the house so the baby can get used to going into it. With very brief periods of fun play, the child learns it’s not just a 'jail'!

3. Make sure the baby gets enough activity, play, kisses and interaction before they get in the car seat.

4. Talk to the baby in a way that you'd like to be spoken too. Keep repeating a few times in a soft voice, "I know sometimes it can be hard to sit in the car seat. I'm sorry that it's frustrating. We can cuddle and play when we get out of the car.”

5. Make a car seat game. Instead of (I'm going to chase you) try instead, “I'm going kiss and cuddle you while I buckle you in."

6. Have a favorite toy or stuffed animal in car. And add new ones to explore and attract attention. In additional to things that are comforting and familiar, babies brains also love to learn and explore new things.

7. If you are not the person driving, read books or do finger plays with the baby.  Try fun ideas from brain development activity packets or Love Your Baby App. 

8. Use a soothing voice and sing to or play music to help calm the baby. Or use fun songs and music to entertain the baby.

9. Long trips generally need lots of feeding, play, cuddles and movement breaks depending on the age of your child and their temperament.

10. Some babies are okay being in their coat others need less restriction, so warm up the car or bring a blanket!

 It sometimes is quite amazing how simply letting your baby know that you understand how they are feeling, can make a remarkable difference! Hopefully these insights and tips bring you and the baby in your life great enjoyment of time spent together!

  

 

This post was co-authored with: Ava Parnass ~ Listen To Me Please.com

Ava Parnass, a.k.a. “The Kid Whisperer,” is an author, songwriter and child therapist who specializes in marrying Entertainment, Emotional Intelligence and Time-In not Time-Out for kids. Ms Parnass helps kids figure out how they feel through playing, talking, listening, reading, singing and dancing.
Her multi-media materials, books and songs encourage parents and  kids to read and sing along, in the process learning how awareness of  feelings “Emotional Intelligence” improves problems and behavioral issues.  Parenting is a hard job and the books and songs really help kids and parents put a finger on what is bugging them and change it.

BRAIN INSIGHTS TO SHARE: The Brain Adapts to Any Environment

When we understand how much of the brain develops after birth, we realize what a great opportunity this provides! 

I find it extremely amazing to think about how the brain can adapt for survival and success. The brain will adapt based on the experiences, culture and environment in which it is developing.  



The printable for this week focuses on how critical it is that the early environment is consistently responsive and nurturing. For healthy development, every baby requires and deserves positive and predictable loving care. 

When this is provided it leads to a child having the ability to regulate emotions effectively, to be able to delay gratification, to problem solve, and to have empathy for others. (Read more in, Anna Wants This for Every Baby) And of course this is what we want to for every child!

If a child experiences just the opposite or inconsistent responses to their needs, the brain is wired completely differently. A baby that that doesn't know if cries will be answered or cries are met with hostility and harshness will experience chronic stress. (Read more about the, "Big Brain Question" our brains are always asking) This of course is the type of experiences and environment we want to avoid being the norm.

Sharing the printable for week three, will help in creating this important understanding.... and lead to optimal experiences. The children thank you for sharing!!

Printable #3 -The Brain Adapts to Any Environment

You will likely also enjoy this this valuable video clip from Parenting For Life. It explains the importance of attachment, the impact it makes and why we all need to care!  The role of attachment in infancy on later mental and physical health

With great appreciation as always for all you do!!